For centuries, the idea of a perfect match—a soulmate destined for you—has captivated human imagination. From Plato’s myth of split beings yearning for reunion to Hollywood’s fairy tale romances, the notion persists that somewhere out there, “The One” awaits. But what does science say about this age-old belief? The answer, as it turns out, is complex.
The Historical Roots of Romantic Idealism
The modern concept of romantic love, particularly the idea of lifelong monogamy, is surprisingly recent. As Professor Viren Swami of Anglia Ruskin University explains, it emerged from the medieval European tales of chivalry and courtly love. Before that, love was often fluid and non-exclusive. The shift towards seeking a single, lifelong partner coincided with industrialization, which uprooted communities and left individuals feeling alienated, searching for someone to “save them” from the uncertainties of modern life. This transition transformed love from a flexible experience into a high-stakes quest.
The Illusion of Effortless Connection
Many believe that finding a soulmate should feel effortless, a destiny unfolding without struggle. However, research by psychologists like C. Raymond Knee at the University of Houston shows this belief can be detrimental. People who cling to “destiny beliefs” are more likely to doubt their commitment during conflicts, while those with a “growth mindset”—who see relationships as something to be actively cultivated—tend to stay more committed even through hardship.
Jason Carroll, a professor at Brigham Young University, frames this distinction starkly: a soulmate is found, while “The One” is created through years of adaptation, apology, and perseverance. The most fulfilling relationships aren’t about cinematic sparks; they’re about witnessing each other’s strengths and weaknesses firsthand.
Trauma Bonds and Unhealthy Attraction
The search for “The One” can also lead people into destructive patterns. Love coach Vicki Pavitt notes that intense chemistry can sometimes be a sign of unresolved trauma, not compatibility. Inconsistent or emotionally manipulative partners can trigger anxiety, creating a magnetic pull that feels like destiny but is, in reality, a re-enactment of unhealthy dynamics. Research by Donald Dutton and Susan Painter at the University of British Columbia confirms this, finding that people are often drawn back to abusive partners who alternate between charm and cruelty—a pattern that creates a powerful trauma bond.
Biology, Algorithms, and the Many “Ones”
Even biology challenges the soulmate myth. Hormonal fluctuations and contraceptive use can subtly alter attraction, suggesting that chemistry isn’t fixed but can shift over time. Furthermore, mathematical models, like those developed by economist Greg Leo at Vanderbilt University, reveal that most people have multiple potential “Ones”—not just a single pre-ordained match. His algorithms simulate dating pools and find that many individuals have several viable partners who could be equally happy together.
The Power of Everyday Acts
Sociologist Jacqui Gabb’s research underscores the importance of small, consistent gestures in building lasting love. Her study of 5,000 people revealed that what truly makes couples feel valued isn’t grand romantic displays but “everyday attentive acts”—like making tea in bed or picking wildflowers. These mundane yet meaningful gestures far outweigh extravagant presents or elaborate dates.
The Reality of Long-Term Love
The science of soulmates suggests that the most enduring relationships aren’t found; they’re built. They require effort, compromise, and a willingness to face challenges together. The idea of a perfect match is a comforting illusion, but real love thrives in the messiness of life, in the shared struggles and small kindnesses that bind two people together over time.
Ultimately, believing in “The One” isn’t necessarily harmful, as long as it doesn’t preclude the hard work of creating a lasting bond. The most “soulful” part of a long relationship isn’t a fairytale spark, but the willingness to show up, flaws and all, and build something meaningful together.
